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NFL Insights - An article from my team's alumni network. - FullMetalFalcon23 - 02-22-2011 07:20 AM
This arrived in my inbox last night was a good laugh and thought I'd share it with you to pass the off season blues
What up guys. A few disclaimers:
1) I am aware that in a few months time, The Onion will probably do this better than I have, but I don't care.
2) Please feel free to throw your own insights into the ring, you can even make it a serious discussion if you want.
3) If you don't find these funny, apologies, but I just thought you all might be missing the season as much as I am, and could use a chuckle.
4) As far as I am aware, these are all original thoughts, but if you have seen them anywhere else, it is not a deliberate rip off on my part.
On with the show...
AFC North
Ravens: The highlight of this offseason will be watching T.J. Houshmanzadeh insisting he made a difference as the rest of the Ravens slowly nod and carefully push him and his useless hands out the door…
Bengals: Watching Marvin Lewis with his team has become like watching an elderly person use a computer. It’s hilarious, pitiful, and is often accompanied by the phrase ‘I don’t understand why it’s not working!’
Browns: After Cleveland traded for Jake Delhomme from Carolina, Eric Mangini though he had pulled a fast one. Turns out he was wrong…
Steelers: In attempts to avoid further punishment from Commissioner Roger Goodell, Ben Roethlisberger will begin offseason training with a vocal coach, who will work exclusively with Big Ben to refine his shouting of ‘SURPRISE!’ The Steelers QB will learn the word in a variety of languages, and make sure he can shout it loud enough to be heard over club music. In a related offseason training session, his offensive linemen are being shown how to rapidly flick the light switch on and off…
AFC South
Texans: After being dismissed mid-season by Dallas, the arrival of Wade Phillips in Houston is confirmation that his ‘Destroying Southern State Football’ tour is still in full effect.
Colts: Is this the year that Peyton Manning looks at Eli’s numbers from last season, puts two and two together, and asks Father Archie which one of them was adopted?
Jaguars: Once again, for an entire season, followers of the NFL will wonder exactly how long Maurice Jones-Drew will have to carry an entire franchise on his back, and whether anyone in Jacksonville even knows they have a football team.
Titans: When drafted by Tennessee, the Titans owner Bud Adams thought Vince Young, with his big arm, the way he can extend the play with his legs, and obvious leadership potential, would be the second coming of Steve McNair. As yet, that hasn’t happened, but Young does seem like the kind of person who could get shot by his girlfriend, so there is always hope.
AFC East
Bills: This past season, Buffalo has finally put to rest one of the oldest questions surrounding professional football in North America: No, people in Canada do not want an NFL team.
What? Sorry, scratch that. People in Canada do not want a crap NFL team. My bad.
Dolphins: 2009: Chad Henne wasn’t a top tier QB because he did not have a legitimate down field threat to throw the ball to. 2010: Brandon Marshall wasn’t a legitimate downfield threat because he did not have a top tier QB throwing the ball to him.
Jets: Dear Rex ‘Super Bowl or Bust’ Ryan: Every time you make a guarantee that you don’t follow through on, God kills a kitten…
Patriots: New England are intending to make Tom Brady wear a blindfold, as apparently he’s just finding it too easy these days…
AFC West
Broncos: The development of Tim Tebow and the addition of John Elway mean hopes in Denver are mile high despite the fact that neither man really knows what he is doing in his respective position.
Chiefs: After watching Tom Brady pull in yet another league MVP award, Head Coach Todd Haley has only just started wondering if he traded for the right New England QB.
Raiders: After not suffering a losing season for the first time in 7 years, it seems firing your head coach and letting your top defensive player go is just not enough. Oakland owner Al Davis lays awake at nights thinking of new and improved ways to publically undo all the positive steps his team has taken…
Chargers: An unwillingness to let L.T finish his career at the team he loved; Forcing a top Wide Receiver and an All-Pro Offensive lineman to hold out due to contract disputes; Subsequently not giving into their demands despite their absence easily being pinpointed as the reason San Diego did not make the playoffs for the first time in 5 years. It all proves one thing: GM A. J. Smith must only care that people think he has a massive penis.
NFC North
Vikings: The only people who will care if the Vikings move to L.A are in Minnesota. Even the people in Los Angeles won’t give a crap.
Lions: Matthew Stafford is so injury prone, it is likely Jim Schwartz will have him red shirted for the opening game of the season.
Bears: In the NFC Championship game, Jay Cutler’s toughness was called heavily into question by media and players alike. The only way for Cutler to get over these harsh words was to have a hot bubble bath with scented candles and a Jewel CD on the stereo.
Packers: If Green Bay has learned anything during its Championship winning season, it is that a team hit by injuries can still be hugely successful. If the Pack suffer a Super Bowl Hangover and aren’t winning games by week 4, don’t be surprised to see Mike McCarthy take a sledgehammer to some knees…
NFC South
Falcons: Atlanta have their Quarterback of the future: Matt Ryan is athletic, charismatic, and has a great arm. If history can teach the Falcons anything, it would be to make very sure that Matty Ice is a cat person…
Panthers: After Carolina traded Jake Delhomme to The Browns, John Fox thought he had pulled a fast one. Turns out he was wrong…
Buccaneers: If Ronde Barber retires, the average age of this team will drop so low, they’ll need permission slips from their parents to go to road games.
Saints: The Reggie Bush Era will come to an end in New Orleans, and not a moment too soon, as it turns out he never really won the Heisman anyway…
NFC East
Cowboys: Jerry Jones’ ‘Boys were sadly NOT the first team in history to ever play a home Super Bowl. However, they WERE the first team with hosting duties to completely miss the playoffs, lose their starting QB, fire their coach midseason, and still have a record number of players attend the Pro Bowl. Swings and roundabouts, Jerry…
Giants: Tom Coughlin is STILL the man to lead this team, and a huge part of that is leading by example. As such, due to his midfield explosion at Punter Matt Dodge in a late season last minute loss to the Eagles, Coughlin will spend the entirety of the offseason learning to kick it out of bounds. If you want something done right, do it yourself, Tom…
Eagles: Andy Reid will not trade Kevin Kolb. However, contrary to popular belief, this is entirely due to lack of interest. Most other teams have seen how well the first QB trade Reid has attempted in about 10 years went with McNabb to Washington, and they want no part of the Eagles curse…
Redskins: Mike Shanahan and Dan Snyder seem to enjoy paying people not to play: If Albert Haynesworth spent as much time abusing Centre’s and Guards as he did road users and waitresses, the ‘Skins would be in the playoffs…
NFC West
Seahawks: After publically praising Seattle stalwart Matthew Hasselbeck’s playoff performance against the Saints, Pete Carroll says he wants Matt Hass back by The Sound in 2011. However, the $6 million price tag of Charlie Whitehurst appeared to be coming good towards the end of this year’s campaign, and now Carroll is taking a long sideways glance at drafting local Husky hero Jake Locker. One problem, Pete: none of them are that good. Hass is old, Whitehurst is unreliable at best, and Locker is terrible under pressure. Still, at least it’s better than what the Cards have to offer…
Cardinals: With no QB, a sketchy running game and the league’s best receiver wanting out of Arizona, Ken Wisenhunt will be thinking of all the positives he can: for example, he’ll discover who his best defensive player is. Then, as with Karlos Dansby, find a team to trade him to…
Rams: Two things to consider for Sam Bradford this year: Firstly, can they get him enough weapons at receiver to finally take the NFL’s weakest division to school? And secondly, how to deal with the awkward lovers tiff that will surely come the first time Josh McDaniels mutters “that’s not how Tebow used to do it…”
49ers: New Head Coach Jim Harbaugh’s insistence that Alex Smith can be a ‘winning quarterback’ will be revealed as an elaborate ruse. If the owners have their way in the new CBA, the 49ers will be the first team in NFL history to lose 18 games. However, Harbaugh’s shooting the moon plan should secure the No. 1 draft pick and reunite him with Stanford’s Andrew Luck…
RE: NFL Insights - An article from my team's alumni network. - Greg M - 02-22-2011 05:40 PM
Funny post !! Ryan a cat person and the Panthers Browns ! Ha !
RE: NFL Insights - An article from my team's alumni network. - nobkowski - 02-23-2011 12:28 PM
WOW !!!
You put a lot of work into this and I did get a couple of guffaws.
I especially liked the hammer to the knees.
RE: NFL Insights - An article from my team's alumni network. - TallDrink26 - 02-23-2011 02:15 PM
pretty humorous overall. Only one I didnt understand is Chiefs. Trading for Brady wasnt an option and trading for Cassel turned out pretty well for them. Unless its a shot to Haley being ignorant such as taking forever to play Charles last year until it was too late and then being ultra light on the carries this year.